Ryan Cooper

Let’s say you got a job right down the street from your parents’ house. Very exciting because, for lunch, you can walk over and your mom has offered to make you your favorite sandwich every single day.

On your first day, you can barely wait for lunch. You walk over, and sure enough, your mom has made your absolute favorite sandwich — all the right fillings, all the right condiments, everything you love. It looks amazing.

You sit down at the table. Your mom places the sandwich in front of you, starts to walk away, then turns back and says, “Oh, by the way, I put a little piece of poo in your sandwich.” Then she keeps walking.

You look down at this otherwise perfect sandwich, then look over at your mom and say, “Why would you put poo in my sandwich? I don’t want poo in my sandwich.”

The HEALTHY PARENT

The healthy parent says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. You’re right — I shouldn’t have done that.” They throw the sandwich away, make you a new one without poo, and every day going forward you get the poo-less sandwich. It tastes delicious and becomes the highlight of your day. With time, the poo sandwich becomes a funny story. Perhaps a little weird, but you both move on with your lives.

THE UNHEALTHY PARENT

The unhealthy parent says, “Well, that’s just how I make my sandwiches. I like the way I make sandwiches, and I’m not going to change that. I only made this sandwich because I love you.” You sit there staring at it. Eventually, you just get up and leave, unfulfilled. Day after day you come back, and day after day, there’s poo in the sandwich. Eventually, you just stop coming for lunch, and are left feeling unfulfilled, confused, and angry.

The unhealthy parent starts telling anyone who will listen, “I don’t understand. I made them the sandwich they always loved. I have no idea why they won’t eat it anymore. They’re so ungrateful, spoiled, and selfish.”

What is the Poo?

It’s any behavior that hurts you: criticism, boundary violations, conditional love, manipulation, guilt trips. Even when everything else looks good, these behaviors, repeated over time, spoil the whole thing.